Karl and I are divorced. It has been a very long, hard, emotional journey getting to this point.
Karl and I were married twelve and a half years ago. I was 18 he was 21. Too young to get married. Many people told us that but I saw something in Karl. I thought it was love and security.
We both came from broken homes and had no example of what a marriage should be. Our first year of marriage was very hard. We were given a great blessing when Karl's job transferred us to Montana just over a year after getting married.
It was just the two of us now. No friends, no family. We only had each other. We began to get active in our church and addressed the issues that were causing us both pain.
We eventually moved to Las Vegas where our marriage flourished. It was the best four years of our life. A time I will always cherish. We had an amazing church family, wonderful friends and each other. We were sealed in the Las Vegas temple during this time. It was beautiful.
A year after being sealed we had Karter. He changed our relationship in ways only parents can understand. Karl was a nervous wreck! He was sure we were going to do something wrong. He was so excited to have kids.
We began feeling that we needed a change. We didn't know what it was but we could feel something. We began praying to know what it was Heavenly Father wanted us to do. Not long after we began praying Karl's brother called us and said that there was a house for sale down the road from his in our hometown and that we should buy it. So we did. Everything went so smoothly and within a month we were settled into our home in Idaho. It was so hard to say goodbye to our friends and our life in Las Vegas but we were excited about being able to raise our family in a small town.
I wonder now if that was not the worst decision we ever made.
Hudson was born a year after moving back to Idaho. We were so happy to add another special spirit to our home.
Things became challenging not long after that. We had two family tragedies. One was an amazing faith builder and the other was a faith crusher. They were both very hard, emotionally draining experiences. We experienced amazing miracles with one and devastation with the other. We saw sides of each other that we didn't know existed. Good and bad. One trial drew us together in ways nothing else could and the other ripped us apart and built an unseen wall between us.
I am not sure how or why it all really happened but it did. I woke up one day living a nightmare. It was no longer my life.
We have separated multiple times over the last two years. When Karl left this time I told him he had to choose. He did not choose our family.
The last three years have been the most challenging of my life. I have prayed, begged, pleaded, compromised and in the end I still lost what I was fighting for.
Karl and I love each other a lot. But it's true that love is not enough.
I have faith in Heavenly Father and that He really and truly is in control of everything. I know that life will go on and someday I hope my heart will be healed. For now and always I am trusting myself and my sweet boys in the hands of the Lord.
